Oh the freedom

Have you ever felt the freedom that you get when you hand in an assignment? Especially an assignment that was really hard to write or just felt like it took forever to write? Well that's me right now. The whole focus of my study in the last couple of weeks has been this literature review, and now it's over. I feel great, but also a tad lost. Having had that as the centre of what I do for so long and now not having it...it's kind of strange. I'm sure that things will pick up soon enough, and before I know it, I'll again have more than I can handle.

So the next question is what to do next. Well today I'm not doing anything else. I'm leaving the lab soon and there's not much point starting something for a very short time. So basically that's why I'm writting this. I haven't written anything for a while, so I thought I would...although there's not really any point, seeing as though no-one actually reads this. In a way that's a good thing. It's like a special diary just for me. You may then ask, what's the point of doing it here and not actually in a diary? My answer to that is no answer at all. I don't know. Maybe I think that if I write this where others CAN read it, then it's like I'm writing this for you. Even though there is no you reading this. I could get a diary and pretend it's a person and give it a name, but I think I'm a bit old for that. In fact I'm probably a bit old for this too. Wow...that makes me sound old...I'm not really, I swear!

Anyway, just some thoughts that are going through my pre-assignment scattered brain. Hope you (if 'you' even exist) enjoy reading this! If not, I'm sure I'll enjoy reading over it in a while and wondering what was going on in my head...

Living

What is living?! Is it simply breathing? Or is it more than that? Sometimes I think I'm living then other times I think I'm not. I mean lets take today for instance. I went into uni for an hour to culture cells. Then I went back to bed, not getting up until 1pm. Then watched a movie and ate pancakes. Am now on the internet doing nothing much of anything. Tonight I'm catching up with a friend and going to an outdoor cinema to watch another movie. Is that living?! Or do the days like today just make the days when you do more 'lively' things make you feel like you're living?

When I spent a year in the Netherlands, I don't really recall doing much 'living' in the sense that I did amazing and exciting things often. But then again I did go travelling, saw places, and experienced life. Is that what living's about? Is it simply just experiencing things? Am I looking at 'living' in a totally wrong perspective? Maybe living is just surviving each day and getting to the next.

From a Christian perspective, to live is Christ (Philippians 1:21), which spurs me on to live a life for him and in him. That means that nothing I do in Christ should be boring and 'not living'. But not everything in life can be exciting. Some things are just simple, and there's nothing wrong with simple, but I want more. I want the exciting life. I want to experience life and all it has to offer. I want to explore God's world and the people he has put in it. I want to live...

Where is my head...?

I never miss things. Important things like class at uni, or meetings at work. So why am I now?! Maybe I have too many things going on, and I just can't seem to keep them all in check? I doubt it. There's so many times that I'm just at home doing nothing...like now. And I love being busy. Sitting at home by myself seems like a waste of time sometimes. But then again at times it's great to just be there and watch a movie or something...

Anyway, I hope that I can keep my head screwed on, cause I've got a MASSIVE year ahead of me. Honours has been going for a month, and it only now seems like it's starting up. The Christian group at uni (ES) is also starting up now, and that brings a whole new lot of things onto my plate. But that's not a bad thing. I sound like I'm complaining, but really I'm not. I love all of the things that I'm doing and really enjoy them. And I love being busy, because when I'm not, I go crazy. It's just sometimes it's overwhelming. I don't know how I'd do everything without the peace and sense of purpose that God has given me. I mean I know that what I'm doing is His plan for my life, and even though I don't know where my life is heading, I know that this year I'm doing those things which He wants me to do...except maybe my job. But that's another story. People think that I spend so much time doing ES stuff, and that I do so much, but how can I not?! ES is helping encourage people in their faith. It's sharing the gospel with those who don't know it, or believe it (although I don't think I do much of this). What can be more important than those things?! I'd spend all my time doing that if I could, and maybe one day that's what I'll be doing. But for now it's not. And sometimes I think that my studies are actually taking away from the time I can spend sharing and learning about the gospel and God, but without them I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have the opportunities that I have.

I'm not really sure where this entry is heading, or even if it's heading somewhere. I'm just writing and things are coming out. I think that's a good thing about having a blog...you can write and see what you're really thinking. There's something so satisfying about not having to plan what you're going to write and not really thinking about how it sounds. It makes it more real. I can't wait to come back to this and see what I've written and see how I was feeling at the time...

Starting a blog

So this is my first post. I've tried this kind of thing before, but it was more of a travel blog and it didn't work so well. I'm trying to think about why I am doing this, and I'm going to put it down to my mood. I'm in one of those moods where I'm thoughtful in a different way than usual. Normally I have 2 main ways of thinking. The first is in an organisational way, so thinking about what I need to do and how to do it. The other way is day-dreaming, which really doesn't help anything and is a waste of time. So this weird thinking that I sometimes have is quite different. I get more philisophical and start thinking about things that I don't usually, yet are things that I really should think about. I also start thinking in a round-about way, and a lot of the time I hardly make sense to myself. So if this post is a little strange and incomprehesible to you, I'll put that down to my mood as well.

Interestingly enough, this isn't really how I wanted to spend my first post of my new blog, yet I don't really know how I want to! I feel like it needs to be important and profound, but nothing's really coming to mind. Seeing as though it's nearly the end of the year, I could write something about the year that was, but I think I'll save that for another post, which will actually leave me something to write about on here. Maybe this is just a preparatory post. One that makes me think about what I want to achieve with this blog and what kind of things I want to write about. Does one need to have a purpose and an aim when starting a blog? Does there need to be an intention? Maybe if I have one, there will be more insentive to write more often. But if I limit this blog for a specific intent, then there's a chance that I won't want to continually write about the same old thing over and over.

Having a think about what I've already written, a thought came to mind. The other day one of my friends said that they thought I was a 'closed book', which I thought was completely the opposite. I see myself as a very honest person who shares a lot of herself and her life with those around her. But maybe I do keep some things close. Maybe I do screen some of the things I say and how I say them. I'm not really sure. So I'm thinking. I want this blog to be honest. I want it to show people (whether I know them or not) what I'm thinking and why. I want people to try and understand where I'm coming from and the thoughts behind my thoughts and actions. So I guess that's an aim for this blog, but one that doesn't limit the topics and ideas. I guess we'll see how I go...